How our own wounds influence our parenting and how kids heal us.

How our own wounds influence our parenting and how kids heal us.

“The very most profound thing we have to offer our children is our own healing.”
– Anne Lammot

You know that a-ha moment you get when you become a parent; that moment of sheer fear mixed with utter disbelief that something so small has had such a massive impact on your life, on your very being?

That very moment that shatters your view of life so instantaneously is no accident. It is the Big-Bang, cosmic star-stuff that life is made of. It is the jigger that our own evolution is geared to. When you have a child you HAVE to grow. It’s in the unwritten, unseen contract you signed when you chose to become a parent. The small print is so fine and full of cautionary clauses that you probably even didn’t think to read. After all, EVERYONE has children, it can’t be that hard… can it?

I’ve often been asked, and indeed frequently asked myself, the question, ‘What are children for?’
There are a few answers.
1. To show us the real meaning of love; unconditional love. Once you’ve got them in your arms you really can’t put them down or dump them on someone else.
2. To teach us about caring for another… again unconditionally, and boy that’s when you wish you’d read the fine print of the job description.
3. To reconnect us with the joy of life. Babies arrive in a high vibrational frequency that many of us have lost over time. We are enamored by it at the same time confounded by our amnesia around joy.
4.To continue our personal development; our own inner and outer evolution and even to heal ourselves.

This blog post is about number 4.

Becoming a parent brings with it, like it or not, opportunities to further develop our Self. It triggers fresh learning about ourselves, situations that force us to identify our current values and beliefs and perhaps even question them or reconsider them.

The arrival of a little being that comes without an instruction manual, is a complete and endless boot camp of finding courage, re-instating your connection to your intuition and the biggest move you could ask for towards reclaiming your sovereignty and connecting to your higher self.
Having a child also brings into play our own childhood, big time. In fact, this aspect of parenting is largely untapped for the wealth of gold it holds for our personal development as adults. When ignored or unidentified, it is the one thing that can cause hiccups (that don’t respond to a tablespoon of Gripe Water or Infacol) both in our relationship with our child, our other primary relationships but more importantly in our relationship with our Self.
The wisest mothers and divinely connected fathers know, that when a child comes into their lives it’s going to trigger an inward journey (ready or not) towards their own deepest, most precious Selves too.
We cannot parent with true intelligence unless our own consciousness about ourselves is raised too.
There are two main tendencies we tend to adopt for our own parenting practice.
1. We parent our kids like we were parented. The old chestnut of ‘If it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for them.”
2. We swing the other way, stridently committing to parent our kids differently to the way we were brought up.
The irony is that both these approaches indicate wounding. Nothing wrong with wounding, it’s where the light can come in, but having awareness of what and why we are doing, thinking, believing as a parent, is the stuff true conscious parenting is made of.


For example, take one of the common core wounds (these are usually set in our psyches in childhood via experiences and parenting practices) that adults have, like abandonment. It will colour, inform and lead our parenting practice, (if largely unconsciously) with our own kids.
A parent who has felt abandoned in some way in their childhood, either through divorce, death of a primary carer, neglect, enforced untimely physical separation or being given undue responsibilities too early, is statistically prone to seek do the opposite for their own children: to undo their own experience.
This is fine as long as there’s balance and mindfulness in operation in the parents’ mind. It can, however, lead to extremism stemming from the parents’ inner unresolved wound and unmet need for connection. Many supporters of Attachment Parenting are drawn to this style of parenting not just because it has, as research is showing, positive benefits, but also because they unconsciously seek the healing of their own wounds caused by abandonment, received in childhood.
On the other hand, if a parent opts for practices that stay loyal to what their parents did, no questions asked, this is a clear indicator that fear of getting ‘it wrong’ is at play; as is a need for approval and acceptance. This, in turn, reveals that the parent would be wise to learn and practice how to step into their own intuition and power with more certainty.
Often the child that a person has charge of, will display habits, behaviours, personality and even health issues that incite and invite push the parent to uncover their own hidden wounds and repair them. For example, a ‘clingy’ child indicates that the parent may have experienced premature independence, that is being called forth for repair and resolution.
The miracle of birth does not pertain simply to the marvelous, magic of the physical process of nurturing some small being outside of yourself, but in fact, is an on-going journey of unraveling the mysteries of our inner worlds; our own minds and hearts as adults too. Without this awareness, we do not fully understand the unique gift bestowed upon us, that a child brings into our lives.
We, as parents are not just here for the child. They are fully here, present and working with us, for us, too, with as much valuable wisdom and experience as we have.
This is one of the multidimensional bounties and the reasons for the Child. Embracing the need to parent ourselves whilst we parent our children is the path of the truly enlightened parent.


Umbilika is dedicated to helping parents and children navigate the most precious and crucial time of life; childhood. On offer is a FREE Q & A, Individual Coaching Sessions including Parenting the Parent, Astrology for Parenting (the closest you’ll ever get to a manual for your child!) and Flower Essence Consults to support every stage of parenting and childhood.
Visit the website or email Umbilika at

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  1. Bernadette Allport says:

    Thankyou for sharing this wisdom

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